I'm doing just fine, thankyouverymuch.

fin.

The blog silence has come to an end. Lucky for you?

I have been waiting

waiting

waiting

for the moment.

the moment when I knew what I had to say would not spew poison and darkness into this blog. My space that I cherish so fondly.

It's been hard not to blog. It has become such a huge part of how I process. But I just couldn't do it.

But I'm ready.

I'm here.

This is my story.

***

A month ago, my world changed. On a sunny Monday evening, right before I left for my nightly workout, Mr. M walked out on me after 5 1/2 years of marriage.

Many reasons were cited. Most of them don't make any good sense to me, but I also don't think I was in a place to really be processing any of that anyway.

The only reason I am telling you like this, is because it is a certain point of pride to me that I did not ever give up on my relationship. I have to preserve that, or I'll feel like a failure. I believed up until the door shut behind him that everything would be ok.

And everything WILL be okay. Just not as expected.

In this past month, I have learned some very important lessons. You should not have to be 28 and getting divorced to learn them, so I want to pass some of them on to you.

1. you are only as strong as the relationships you nurture in your life (HOT NEWLYWED TIP! don't neglect your friendships. They might save you one day).

2. never put yourself in a position where you couldn't support yourself on your own. It will save much of your pride if you are able to maintain the life you were living with out skipping a beat.

3. the "what-ifs" are ugly but you are going to have to go through them. better to do so sooner rather than later.

4. gangsta rap

5. It's ok to seek help from a counselor.

6. It's ok to seek help from your girlfriends and a bottle of wine.

7. your mom is cooler than you think she is. give her a chance.

8. rearrange your furniture.

9. give a spare key to a good friend who lives close by. there is no worse reminder that you are suddenly alone than getting locked out of your apartment.

10. the shitty cliches are true. lemons, lemonade. cards your dealt, play 'em. oh blah dee oh blah dah, life goes on. Embrace it. You're not that old.

11. Let yourself surprise yourself.

12. Let other people cry for you. It will help you carry your burden.

12. Take the advice from a trusted friend who has "been there". They are a valuable tool, especially on the mornings that you wake up and say "I'm moving to New York. No, Spain. No, New York. I'm definitely moving to New York." They will gently tell you, "No, you are not" and then give you a glass of wine.

13. Have a few people you trust to tell your story. They questions WILL become too painful to answer, and everybody who means well will have lots of them. You don't always have to be the one to answer.

14. It's true when people say "at least you don't have kids." But it's also a really fun response to say, "Yeah! Now all I need is a turkey baster and a sperm bank!"

These are the things that I know.

I am slowly realizing other things. Like, I still believe in love. And for the past year, I think I had stopped dreaming. That sucks. Also, I get a do-over on a lot of things.

Ultimately, I am still painfully mourning the loss of the life I thought I had. And it's going to take some time. But, if you ask,

I'm doing just fine, thankyouverymuch.

***

Finally, a blog shout out:

To my blog love, you need to know that I take this with me everywhere I go.

And of course I can not begin to thank all the people in my life from family, to friends, to work friends who have encased me in constant positive energy, prayers and empowering words. I am nothing without the strength you give me. This is the reason I still believe in love.


Also, it should be noted, that Fuck is still one of my favorite words.